my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
