We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
