I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
