By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
