you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
