You can't motorboat a personality
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
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