not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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