Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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