Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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