Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
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just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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