peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
