would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
