he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
