What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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