____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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