Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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