Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
