Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
