There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
