I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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