Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
