it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
