She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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