You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
zippers are such a cool invention
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
