you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
