he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
