Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
