I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
