Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
