I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
