she was so not down for the gang bang
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
