Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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