Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
