this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
