i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
