i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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