did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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