Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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