Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
