I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
