A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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