Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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