Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
no you cant smoke seaweed
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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