Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
