were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
