I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
