So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
