I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
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the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
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I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo