EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.