pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
