I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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