I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
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I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
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Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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