i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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