Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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