OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
