umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
