The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
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He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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