i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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