And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
